Nine months.
The amount of time it generally takes to incubate a child inside a woman’s womb is the amount of time my husband and I have been trying to conceive a baby.
Nine months of negative pregnancy test results. I’ve taken about four tests each month so I’ve read roughly 36 negatives.
That’s actually a lot more disheartening to hear when I say it out loud.
My period was 1 week and 1 day late. I took four more tests and again, had four more negatives. But this time, it really did feel positive. Both my husband and I were sure this time was the time. I had odd symptoms that I hadn’t had the other eight months.
- Menstrual cycle was later than all the others – still not fully here but I’m not getting my hopes up on spotting.
- Acne did not appear before menstrual cycle like usual. Actually my face is super clear compared to the normal (really hoping it stays this way)
- Did not experience breast pain like I did before
- Lowered appetite ( this home girl can usually eat, A LOT)
- A sense of calmness (been on edge the other months)
But I still kept getting negative test results. Now granted I know the above symptoms aren’t the “per-usual” pregnancy symptoms. But believe me when I say this.. I really felt like this round was different.
I’ve cried the last nine months and I’ve felt hopeless. SO many people around me are getting pregnant and apparently I’m not drinking the same water they are. So if anyone wants to hook me up with that I’d appreciate it!
I’ve felt unsure of my bodies ability to show me “real” signs of pregnancy and I truly feel like I’m never going to know I’m pregnant till I’m in active labor and on the television show, “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” Because every time I felt like this was it, my body would somehow show me otherwise. But this last time was more real to me, if that makes sense? This time I just felt like the Lord nudged me a little and showed me some light.
I’ve felt distant the last nine months. Like my head is one place but my heart is still back at home in bed because that’s where I always end up crying after the fourth negative test. I’ve felt distant from friends because I just feel like I can’t go out and do anything when the “what if you’re pregnant” thoughts race through my head. I’ve felt distant from family because everyone but me practically has a child and I can’t connect on the whole “what do you do for nap time” and the “when I was pregnant” talks. I’ve felt distant from my husband because I feel like a failure as a wife. I should be able to bare children and for some reason I’m just not. I’ve taken the hormones, I’ve read the books, articles, etc. I’ve eaten the “right” foods and I’ve stayed away from the “bad.” I even tried stopping coffee at one point.. (gasps in background) shocking I know.
E V E R Y O N E SAYS IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN ITS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Like they all congregated and decided on a catch phrase to answer my woes and aches. But it doesn’t put a pink positive sign on the stick when I see it. I know that it will happen when the LORD wants it to happen, but giving myself and this desire up to the Lord has not been easy folks.
It’s really hard putting this desire in the His hands 110% because the idea of not knowing when it will happen – scares me. It’s true that HIS timing will be the RIGHT timing and I need to swallow that pill, no matter how hard it is.
So, I just throw myself into my bible and I become a fervent prayer warrior. I ask the Lord, “You know my deep desire to have a child Heavenly Father. I pray that you grant my body the ability to conceive, to have a healthy pregnancy, and a baby in Your holy image.” I ask Him to guide my every decision so that it lines up with His plan for Anthony + I as future parents.
Some of the most comforting verses I read during this period of life are:
“But I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.” Micah 7:7
“He has made everything beautiful in HIS time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah!” Psalms 113:9
“When a woman is in labor, she has pain because her times has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has born into the world.” John 16:21
I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me regarding this subject + for any other mothers-in-waiting I pray over you that your desire will be heard and that the Lord blesses you. We’re all in this together.
Please leave a comment about your pregnancy journey whether you’re in the same shoes as me, already a mother, currently pregnant, etc. I’d love to hear and chat with you!
♥, bryce
The Girl Behind the Frames 